Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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