phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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