What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
