so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
