i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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