I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
