Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
