Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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