my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
