I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
