My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My vagina just clenched in fear
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
