If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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