Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
