Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
