Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The ass gains better be worth it
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