My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
