There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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