just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
