you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
