i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
