Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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