I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
