I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
