How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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