If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
