these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
