yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
