i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
