I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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