There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
