Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
