remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
