Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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