You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
