Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
