Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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