I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
where are my eyebrows?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
