I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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