Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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