Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
