I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
