my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
