love makes seman taste better
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
