I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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