sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
