I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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