She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
