I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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