At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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