i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
