Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
