Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
