so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
