He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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