Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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