Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
