so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
