just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
