um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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