hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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